Time for Introspection IV

The second road trip may have come too close on the heels of the first one. Too close on the afterglow of the first one and the work I managed to do from that vacation. This second one, has left me so confused and so out of sorts that I find myself halting and replaying things in my head and thinking how melodramatic can I have gotten? 

Yes, there was the annoyance of the closeness and being in each others face. There was the negative influence and how it got everyone down? I see all that? And there is the romantic version in my head hoping it would be different? Hoping that something that was much debated would be and will be different from what is predicted? But realistically I can somewhat agree it maybe too late, but how can I assimilate a walking talking train wreck waiting to happen and acknowledge it as thus and just bide my time and let it be thus? 

Every family has their fair share of skeletons in the closet. Marrying into a new family means learning all that and accepting everything as it is and not condemning but hoping for the best. Hearing stories and remembering the less fortunate and seeing the fortunate taking the simplest things for granted - it does get hard to assimilate. 

Even harder is the irrational worry that the person that you love and cherish is not being loved and cherished as much as you had hoped by his close ones. The irrational fear that, all that's happening is you in different circumstances doing the exact same thing over and over again. 

Sitting on the outside and watching the new mothers with their children and seeing things that should not be. Siting on the sidelines and commenting and not helping when its clear they want someone to take over as they are tired. All the while in the back of my mind there are these thoughts that, yes I'm not ready for them yet and yes, divine intervention will make me swallow all those hurtful words when I am ready. 

Warring with my own conscience. I dont think I would ever wish this on my own worst enemy, though at times I'm tempted that they do have these pangs of restless questions with no answers then, now and after. 

Time for Some Introspection III

Road Trip II
The drive to and fro was eventful to say the least, reaching the first destination of this week long vacation, something strange seemed to settle on me. While there was that glee and satisfaction at a trip well done, there was some . . . annoyance. I couldn't place my finger on it, and well, I just left it at a long trip and the tiredness settling in. Which it did and me and the hubby slept the afternoon and most of the evening away!

Walking to his other aunt's house in the same lane and meeting new faces and matching faces to the stories it started settling in. Social interaction - I do poorly at. Growing up saying aunty and uncle and calling my cousins by name and not by the traditional manner, I struggled. I had to be constantly thinking about what I said, how I worded things, and I had to listen in on all conversations. My parents say I talk too much. Compared to them, yes, but when our families get together I'm able to have a ear in each conversation going around the room. Here, with my hubby's family I was incapable of doing so. I missed conversations, I dropped the ball on many topics, I was floundering a little too much.
Well at least my mind claimed so, I wonder if I was looking at this from the outside would it have been the same? Would I have seemed at ease and comfortable with the conversations et al?

At the second destination of the trip too, where the wedding reception was happening - the throng of the family and the girl's family had me running around and so out of sorts I didnt like it one bit. I was uncomfortable with being thrown into the deep end and so scared of falling flat on my face and trying to keep up pretenses and maintain conversations without being too rude. But in all this, I think I did slip. The hubby noticed. Not sure if the others did, but they remarked on my tiredness showing.

Which has me thinking now - what caused my sudden descent into that madness? Comparing the first trip with the second - I can see the differences. There was a lot more social interaction than before. Where there only his grandmom and uncle to interact with earlier, now there were whole families, aunts and uncles, cousins and children. So much to take in. So much to remember. So much to understand. So much to make sure I did not slip up on the names or their titles - but I'm sure I did and I'm not sure if they noticed or were bothered about it - so why was I? Or where they?

The first was a vacation through and through, this was a working and social interaction vacation. We could walk out and just chat about anything and everything. Here, we drove to the sights and clicked as many pictures as my weary brain could handle. And it was good. For the most part. It was the social interaction that had me stumbling over once we headed back. Too many conversations, too much trying to understand what had been said. Too much - maybe - overthinking?

And then I realise, the roads were cramped, the houses were bigger. But the streets were cramped - it was a town trying to be a city and falling short in a way. It was too close and in your face and at the same time it was trying to showcase it fast paced crazy traffic and insane lights. No sky to relish, chilly breeze to ward of the heat yes, but manic two wheelers, impatient drivers, honking needlessly, noisy dogs. I laugh now, cause that just brought this image into my head of a town frowning at me for daring to call it confused and daring to compete with a city.

Honestly though, there was another thing that bothered me more than it should have. In hindsight, I think perhaps I listen to people saying something and take it for that literally and dont challenge or see for it myself before accepting it. True, I trust them and hence the immediate response to take it as that, but ends up being ignored and not thought of by others is in the forefront for me. Constantly telling me, warning me. Learning about the city and being warned on what transpires between this town and the malicious tongues that hop out at every turn affected me more than I wanted to accept.

Gossip. It's there everywhere. I was and still am the subject of it right now and in certain circles. So why did this bother me so much? Why did I feel so claustrophobic in these towns that I was most content when I was lying in bed waiting for sleep to catch me and luxuriating in being alone with no one save for my sleeping hubby?

Time for Some Introspection II

Road trip II - was a little more mixed and confusing than before. While the first reaffirmed the simple pleasures I was missing and had forgotten about; the second trip pushed me in a new direction that I have shied away from for years. Acceptable social interaction.

Visiting down south. Further south. Places of my forefathers and my hubby's forefathers. Well, his relations still haunt these parts and it was a wedding that was the reason for the road trip south. This time the preparation was taken out of my hands. Well, the preparation for the food or anything else that was needed during the journey, the packing was of course my responsibility and checklists were looked through a million times to assure myself that everything was covered.

Times like this I wonder if I was a control freak - was it because I was not in charge of everything that I was unsure of what needed to be done and what was done? But I am not a planner, I prefer doing the work and the checklists - I have to wonder if they help or annoy my better half even more than normal. Or maybe because I am an artist that eccentricity that I felt was not there is actually present? The checklists and the talking aloud to tick them off when really a simple scratching out with a pencil would have sufficed? I still have not figured this part out.

Anyway, the trip was a lot of chatter and laughing along with a little entertainer in the form of our niece, who was overjoyed once she woke up and realised that we were also around. Simple pleasures? Maybe, that glorious sleepy grin as she awoke, her babbling and constant chatter over everything around her, her demands for the car to move if it had stopped for too long - and yes we stopped in between for a good half hour.

Ah, the accident that required us to halt for a good half hour requires mention. There was an accident on the highway, where a car rammed into a bike - which we assume was cutting onto the fast pace highway traffic from one end to the other - and dragged it a good way before it managed to stop itself. The villagers hounded the road and were playing judge and jury. The person on the bike was definitely injured - how bad? I'm not sure, but I know moving an injured person from their vehicle to a clearer area is not a good thing. The car that was assumed to be the bad guy, was in the side and we hope that they were not attacked by the villagers unholy wrath. The highway patrol hopefully got to the people in the car before the mob. And it was a mob. Directing traffic to a halt on one side and then both sides. Maybe as a sign of respect for the man injured and for the ambulance to come, or maybe because they had the power to do so and adrenaline was singing in their blood. Some let the traffic through, while others banged on the - well, our car and would not let us move. We were warned to have our windows up, else the mob reach into the car and do... well, not many good things come out of mobs.
Times like this, I wonder over the villagers and what runs through their minds? And the biker - why would he tempt fate by crossing a highway that has fast moving traffic on it? And the driver of the car, how scared was he when he faced the mob? Or did he get safely whisked away by the highway patrol? Or where they too late? What were the villagers thinking when they moved the injured man? Did that affect the injured man even more? Are these all pointless questions? And in the back of my mind I can see it - the mob and the power they have to attack - what may have happened at the partition riots or the Gujarat riots. And what I see, I do not like.

The drive back to the city was eventful as this, but milder in terms of traffic, fast speeds and a flat tire. Milder, so much more milder!